You know that tremendously over rated saying

"If you love someone,

let them go,

if they come back,

you know they are yours forever"

YEAH OKAY MATE.

i can appreciate the beauty of the words
and the innocence of the connotation behind it,


but realistically


if you love someone and they for some reason or another want to go away from you,


they dont like you


they do not like you
they do not love you
they do not <insert affectionate word> you

because if they did,
they wouldn't have even THOUGHT about leaving you

if you aren't with someone right now
but they say they like you or love you or want your babies or watever,

why haven't they done something about it?

there's no excuse for it

there shouldn't be any beating around the bush with it

at the end of the day,
people are with each other because they WANT to be


if someone isn't with you
they just
DO.
NOT.
LIKE.
YOU.

i hate making excuses for them
"aww but they love me"

"you dont know him, i know him, i know he loves me, thats all there is"

"its just not the right time right now"


sitting down,
and finally confronting it all
i realise i was just so caught up in having someone,
that i was willing to excuse the obvious reason of why we weren't together

its a depressing and harsh reality
which i admittedly didn't take in at first

but you've got to.

and it honestly is the best realisation when you know it,
accept it,
and
move on

If you love someone

and they want you to let them go,

LET.
THEM.
GO.

if they come back,

slam the door and

don't let them back in.

So the current "it" word for someone who puts their boyfriend or girlfriend before their friends is - dog.

this may be coupled with the suffixes kunt/kient/shit
or
prefixed with bloody/f*cking/stupid
to exaggerate the stringency of the act as well as how let down you feel.

I'd like to think that none of my friends would ever dog me for their current love interest

but it's not true.

they will.

and at some point,
i realise, im probably going to do the same

because at some point in life we'll fall in "love" and immerse ourselves in that one person who seems to bring us a certain happiness that noone else is capable of.

fair enough.

i just want to know why it has to start now whilst we're still young

we've got a good 20 or so years left in us to dog the world for our love
but it seems to hit us hardest as teenagers,

maybe because its something new in our lives
maybe friends just get old
or maybe its all part of growing up
actually i think its all of the above


i can see and fully understand the appeal of having someone who likes/loves you differently to your friends
ive had many that felt that way about me

what can i say *pops collar*

but in all seriousness, im pretty sure most of us have been there and dogged our friends for them,
and i think im safe in saying,
that at one point in that relationship,
you question
or regret
doing that to people who were there for you from the beginning.

but thats not going to stop you from doing it again



thats the trouble with love or "love".


all in all,
it cuts to know your girl friends or boy friends are going to prefer someone else over you
its the most inferior feeling knowing theres something you cant actually give them

its okay to have those feelings,

just dont turn around if the relationship breaks up and expect your friends to still be there


but if when you do,

they ARE still there -

count your blessings

When you make cordial,
you fill the concentrate up to the line on the bottle
and that's enough.
give or take a few mills to suit your tastes.


why cant a line be drawn when someone hurts you?



if you had a splinter in your hand
you would take it out
because it hurts you
unless you get off on that sort of thing..

but if it was a PERSON,
you just keep holding on


past experiences have had me absolutely clinging on for dear life to someone because i was just so USED to having them in my life
and life was working well with them in it

and for some reason i thought any change would be a negative one

other times
i held on because they added meaning to my life
i felt like i was WORTH someone just because i had their attention

so excuses were continually being made to ignore the fact that they were
rude to me,
hurt me,
and
didn't appreciate me

Until you actually let go of that person,
you don't realise how much more there is to life



the hardest thing is
letting go



I did the letting go thing once

pretty
damn
scary

but im alive =) good or bad thing thats your choice


It felt like i was falling


like someone just cut off my sercurity rope
and said
save yourself bitch

somehow
i did
it wasn't just one thing that got me through

it was me at the end of the day realising things have to be done for

MYSELF

why cling onto someone/thing that contributes
nothing
to your life
except
a sense of complacency which is overshadowed by your constant unhappiness?

if it doesn't contribute anything to your
future
it
DESERVES
to be left in the
past.

Hitler
stayed in power for so long because of his nimble ability to brainwash the German people through his speeches and apt use of propaganda.

The man was stern,
but highly evocative
and appealed to the emotions of the people

The way he spoke resonated and was filled with
confidence that happiness
WOULD eventuate from their tough times

What he preached appealed to the German people who wanted answers and sercurity
so badly

Hitler....

                    Jesus....

synonymous?
or me overthinking things
most probably the latter

but


i was in church and during the sermon all i heard was-
"jesus said this"
&
"the bible says this"

and it just seemed like I was a vulnerable person looking for stability
and getting so caught up in it, was willing to believe anything



the Bible and Church offer me that stability.

they give me that assurance that life doesnt just end,
there IS something more

they give me certainty about life and that i am going to be something

                         ...if i follow Jesus' path

I resent being told that a person who died for me wont look out for me in the after life because i didnt follow his rules

to me,
no matter what i do,
even if i break every rule
im pretty sure he still loves me

but im still so scared into submission that
i do follow the rules


perhaps
i dont know my religion well enough

or

perhaps
i dont know myself well enough

" I learned the truth at 17 "
                                            - Janis Ian

Ive been 17 for 20 hours and 30 mins and in the past FIVE minutes
ive learnt more truth than my eyes could handle.

So me being the atmosphere queen i am,
put on all the slow songs on my iPod
and sat there reading my cards 

You know those nights where it
rains and pours and storms
and looks like its going to be flooded for years?

-yeah my eyes did that to my face

very attractive panda face im sporting at the moment

friends...

i dont know,
everything you can say is cliched-

"through the good and the bad they'll always be there"

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself"

"real friends are the ones who walk in when the world walks out"

cliches are the only way to describe it but,
but they only became cliches as a result of so many people coming to the same ephiphany
and voicing it in similiar ways

so whilst english teachers hate them, 
cliches hit the nail on the head about friends.


with friends come memories and lessons

im 17
i havent stopped learning
i havent stopped making memories
&
i will never stop counting my blessings of the people in my life

thank you
says it all
but
thank you
will
never
be enough to cater for all the
support
encouragement
truth
&
smiles

they put on my panda face

=)

you know who you are
just sleep well at night knowing that whilst panders are endangered,
one sleeps knowing whatever happens, shes met the best people
ever.

you know right now
there are approximately 5 million couples world wide having

sex

as you read this?

true story.

sex is more prevalent and common then wars are
but from the news, you really wouldn't know that

if i was ignorant
more so than usual
i would fully be in the understanding that everyone hates each other and guns are a necessity of the ruthfulness that is LIFE

but no,
making love not war seems to still prevail over killing each other

as my train of thought progresses,
ive gone totally off subject due the sporadicity of my mind
and yes i did make that word up

but what i was initially getting at was the awkwardness still brought up about sex

its hilarious

last night watching "Looking for Alibrandi",
the sex scene between Jacob and Josie came on...
pretty tame stuff compared to other movies where nudity is fully fledged

but my nanna was watching with me and constantly cleared her throat
or moved LOUDLY
or suddenly sounded like she was going to die from whopping cough

i found this hilarious,

so i rewound the scene and watched it again purely for an encore performance of the public disproval and awkwardness

its funny how the world right now is more populated by the younger generation 
15 - 25 year olds
this coming about obviously as a result of sexual relations their parents had

however

they seem to be the majority who find sex a somewhat tabooed subject

i used to as well until a quite unconventional teacher assured me that
people were having sex as we spoke
so i might as well get over the awkwardness about it

its alright to feel awkward about it
its human nature to feel uneasy at pure forms being exposed
and apparently sex is the ultimate form of love
its a physical union between two people to symbolise the spiritual union they feel

so...

shouldnt that make it all the more
easy
to accept?

its more common than war but its talked less about

its a part of everyday life but not acknowledged as being so

its something the majority of us will initiate in so we should get used to it

and perhaps if the awkwardness and taboo label was peeled off it, awareness would increase
and kids wouldnt be having sex due to being prematurely or unnecessarily

because half of the appeal of sex is because they're not allowed to
its not spoken about except by the media
not necessarily the best influence
but what they're "informed"
is what they carry out

so lets intiate some sex talk

You know those nights where you cant sleep because your thinking about that guy or girl you love?

..... OR

your just thinking?

yeah i had one of them last night.

I made the biggest mental renovation of my life because of a fall out with a friend i recently had (the fallout not the friend)

So excuse the vanity but in order to get my point across, i've got to relate it back to me

and i know you all love it

im Oprah.
I get told peoples emotions and listen and help them
and i do it for everyone
because as frank and vain as it sounds im friends with everyone.
Yes
i have the close girls and close guys
but generally speaking
everyone i talk to has had some initmate moment with me and
i love it. 
I relish it.

I hate it.

because it got me to where i am now.

friendless so to speak.

you know that saying

"he who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare"?

i finally understand it.

so last night amongst making my wedding plans with Dan Carter,
i decided being everyones friend isn't enough.
For me its harsh,
but its time to start prioritising people

because every fall out ive ever had was because i never had time for the person
ive lost friends
ive lost best friends
ive lost life friends

the friends i have now are the true friends because they know that i love them and will always be there for them, and that its just in my nature to want to be superwoman
(hey what can i say, im a superstar)

but i cant

i cant save everyone

so its time to put into the ones that are always saving me

Dont you hate those people who speak absolute shit
but dont back down
because they rather retain their pride and look like an idiot in the wrong than give an admission of truth?

Dont you hate the way someone is so secular minded,
so concretely set in their ways
that they see no other way then their way?

and nothing you do or say can sway that


because for so long they've gotten their way
and so, in order for life to progress,

YOU


have to compromise your belief
just so that a dispute ends?


Dont you F*^$%#@*! HATE IT


i do

i hate it with same passion that i love them with

because its them
and as much as i hate it

i cant help but love it

but sometimes i wonder if its love for all the wrong reasons

not that romeo&juliet love
not that will&grace love
not that elton john&david furnish love


its that parent&child love, thats supposed to be unconditional


is it a bad thing if you love your parent/s purely because your supposed to?

whats the point of loving someone because you HAVE to?

yes they gave you opportunity and life

but what if they hinder the life you have?

its ironic and somewhat satirical that they give you life
but then
CHOOSE how it all pans out for you
by exposing you to influences of their choosing


i dont get it.

So

he rips your heart fresh out of the rib cage,
throws it on the ground
and
stomps all over it

and there you have it -

your first heartache

the pain you feel is uneqivocal to anything you'll feel for the rest of your life and you'll never forget it

you'll learn from it and make your next decisions about love based on that tragedy

OR

you're  like me and each time u get closer to loving someone and they end up hurting you,
you hurt
you cry
you get over it
and you trust again

WHY?

because im an easy bitch

no...

because
I want to believe that each guy is not like the previous

this theory has not even come CLOSE to being proven right,
so far every guy thats landed in the relationship books has been an
arrogant, lying, spineless, useless (summation) -  asshole

but i still live with the hope that one day someone challenges this

because its not holding on that makes you a stronger person

its letting go


because sometimes no matter how much you spend time with someone,
no matter what you do for them
or how hard you try to make it work

they just dont love you the way you want them to

and you've gotta learn to be okay with that

=)

in the words of me -
(or someone who was born before me and totally stole a pontential line of mine)

'Relationships are like glasses.
If they break, let them stay broken,
you'll only hurt yourself trying to fix it.
At least the pieces still remain.'


Put them aside and get a new glass

I rely on people way too much

I rely on people to define the way i feel

If im with someone and theyre happy - im happy

If theyre sad, then hey, so am i

its like a massive simon says game


i dont like it.


i hate not being in control of how i feel because im such a needy person

i need reinforcement from people about who i am


i dont hate what i AM

i hate what im NOT


i guess its coming with time too,
because now its year 12 and now everyones moving away
& pretty soon ive gotta be reliant on myself
- something foreign to me

i dont want this year to end because then everything that has defined my days for the last 13 years is gone

at the end of this year,
school's gone,
the faces that familiarise my life drift away to do their own thing,
and ive gotta ACTUALLY got to get off my ass to start making a living..


i feel too young to have to make my own decisions
and
too old to still be living at home

you know those people u see everywhere but dont really make and effort to talk to?
like you know them by face?

its funny, all those people,  define my life
their faces remind me of my life right now

like walking to the bus stop every morning, there's a couple that walk to the shops every morning & we always wave to each other,
if i dont see them,
it sort of feels like my morning's missed something


as i move on, it's going to be different people that i remember my life by

..and one day its going to be me that defines someone's routine of life